How to be single on Valentine’s Day

Valentines Day [Flickr: Laura Thorne]

If you’re single this Valentine’s Day do not despair: there are ways to alleviate the agonising pains of being single.

1. Compare yourself to the worst couples you know rather than the best ones. For example, my best pal – let’s call him Jim- has a lovely girlfriend, ‘Jane’. However, her constant demand for his attention means he misses out on drinks with his friends. Jim suffers regularly from a severe case of FOMO and when he does manage to make it out, he is made to feel so guilty he leaves early. Count yourself lucky that you’re not having your ear chewed off every time you want to go out.

2. Look at brilliant single people. I’m single but I get to do whatever want, whenever I want. Not calling myself brilliant…(but I sort of am). Model yourself on people who are happy to be single. Need some inspiration? Cameron Diaz and Oprah Winfrey have flown the “single and proud” flag for years.

3. Enjoy your freedom and being on your own. I go to the cinema by myself every week. Is having to share your popcorn or cradling someone else’s clammy hand really going to enhance your arousal during 50 Shades of Grey? And let’s face it, that particular film is gonna be such a sell out on V-Day you’re not going to get lucky in the back seats of the cinema unless you’re prepared to put on a show for the entire population of row Q.

4. Get hammered.

5. Surround yourself with your single friends. Remember you are never the only single person in your group, so go out and be single together. Go and stage a false romantic meal but instead of two people, take as many mates as you can. Then at least you’ll feel like you’re participating in this commercialised/pointless/money-making day that you are pretending you want no part of.

Happy Valentines Day [Flickr: Black Zack]

6. Make your best friend your Valentine, girl or boy. Remember as long as you have someone to share a bottle of wine with you have a Valentine (even if you have no chance of getting any action in the underwear department).

7. Another tip from my own experience, if you have any say in what shifts you work then put yourself on the rota for the February 14. That way you’ll have a brilliant excuse for when people ask you what you’re doing for Valentine’s Day. No need to fumble over a rehearsed story of a date that fell through or heaven forbid tell people you have no plans at all. Just a simple “Ah, I’m working.” No questions asked.

8. Never underestimate the power of your parents on V-Day. Sure they are probably wondering why you are about to turn 25 and you’ve never brought home a significant other but they love you all the same. I’m not suggesting you crash their night as an awkward gooseberry but remember they are there for a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on.

9. Slut around a little bit. If blue balls are plaguing you and you think it’ll make you feel better to get some action on Valentine’s Day then remember London is going to be crawling with people looking for a bit of affirmation. Go out to a club or a bar – not a restaurant. Somewhere standing is encouraged because that way you can start talking to strangers more organically without looking like a calculating perv.

10. Go on Tinder if you insist on finding yourself a Valentine. But give yourself a couple of days because you might be swiping left for a while.

Be_My_Brickentine

Featured image – Flickr: Laura Thorne